I’m at my uncles country property. Mum and I come every few weeks to escape the city. Last time I came I spent hours and hours, as much as I could, just with the three horses, socializing with them. After a little while Goldbury adopted me and became protective. Motherly love. She’s never had a foal and now is probably too old to make it through a birth. She loved me and I felt it in my heart. I never wanted to leave. I never even wanted to go back to the house. Deep in my heart I crave living with them, galloping and grazing with them.

My whole life, even in the city, has revolved around horses at nearly every point. There was an old mare on a street corner near the way I’d walk home from primary school, and i’d go see her after school. She loved the company and the help getting at the greener grass on the other side of her fence. I felt loved for the first time in my life.

Some years have gone by when i’ve been without horses in my life and those years have also been memorable by the suicide attempts and deep depression, though to me they are more memorable by the murderous loneliness and the emotional numbness that helped me survive it.

Back to the present tense: Goldbury loved me like a daughter that last time I was here a few weeks ago.. and when mum took me back to our city home again, a part of me broke. Back here again, her love is gone. She wanted me to stay with her and when I left she must have hurt too. She doesn’t want me even to touch her anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely. Part of why I’m writing this now is to hide from ‘mum’. If she see’s me crying she will poke and poke in desperation to find out what’s wrong and that will make everything worse. I don’t want to talk.

Wintez was the same. When he was taken away from the city and I couldn’t visit him anymore.. the love disappeared. I miss it so so much. The only way i’ll be able to feel this love is to live with or very close to horses. And that’s just it: I need horses. I need them like I need food. Occasional visits just hurt me more in the long run. But at least I know I can be loved. I can feel it. One day I might be able to live with them, and be rid of this panic and anxiety that is so constant in my life. One day I might be happy. But it isn’t any day soon.