This is the journal of a filly inside of a girl. It may be confronting and upsetting to some people, if this is you please just leave. Sometimes I post geeky stuff just to get it out there on to the web. Sometimes it’s details about new scripts I’ve released. Sometimes it’s stories about my life and the life of those around me.

I do hope you hang around, and if you want a friend you can surely give me a nip. My contact details are at the homepage. You will need a modern browser to view and interact with my personal website.

Who are you?

I never felt much connection with my parents when I was young. They were just like these two people who gave me food for some reason and insisted they loved me. Okay, well, one of them did anyway. It never made any sense to me and felt so wrong. I didn’t have any friends or anything either, I was just alone.

But there was someone who felt like family! Her name was Biscuit and she was a beautiful mare who lived two blocks from my house. I used to visit her after school and stuff. Touch her nose or just rest by her fence. That time with her was, I guess, the therapy that got me through those times. Now she is gone, but other local horses have taken her place. They are really my true family, they made me who I am today, and I get terrible separation anxiety when I can’t be with them.

After learning that pretty much every other kid had at least some connection with their ‘parents’, I figured something was wrong and started trying to work it out. I still remember when I was small, I would draw myself and imagine myself, and I had these big dark eyes. I never felt right in this body. Totally uncoordinated to the point that Mum took me to doctors about that and the failures in school. I was really good at school till about Year 3 where I hit my limit and just stopped really learning. At 15 I left high-school and have thus only graduated primary school, due to stress and depression. So suddenly I had a lot of quiet time to figure out just why I was the odd one out. I still love silence, or the sounds of nature. The sounds of horses living their lives is my favorite sound of all. I hate TV’s and things as background noise.

I spent quite a lot of that time just quiet, even in my head, only feeling and not thinking. I taught myself meditation then hypnosis and experimented with a very many things. So far I’ve worked out a few things. I have a soul, and my natural state is without words inside or out. I realized the only time I ever felt safe was with Biscuit. After that I started pushing more on spirituality, I found out a few things about myself I hadn’t known before. I am always aware of the direction any horse is who I have met, regardless of where I am. I know if one of them gets hurt and it makes me scared. That later developed to the point of being able to feel their emotions from any distance.

I later verified I wasn’t imagining it with someone similarly spiritual in the UK. It developed even further to the point where we could communicate sensations of touch and warmth and love to each other, sending feelings to the other side of the world and then later online talking about what happened with perfect precision. I still find that experience a little surreal and hard to believe myself, but I know for sure it did happen, many times. Where I’m at now…

When I close my eyes, I am a small horse. I have a long neck, a deep torso, matching length legs and “arms”, no fingers.. my eyes are big and dark so nobody can quite see where I’m looking, and I have pointy up ears and a hairy tail. I figure horse but I guess I could be a donkey or something. So my beliefs are that the soul and the body of all mammals are linked through the brain, and that sometimes this connection can be mismatched at birth. I think somewhere out there, there’s a horse, or was a horse, who is a little human girl in a mare’s body, as lost as I am. I put my anxiety down to instincts about staying close to the herd, as I relax totally and more than any drug has managed when I’m with the horses I know.

I still have trouble with coordination, but I guess some part of me is coordinating my movements for a totally different shape. When I walk my hands are usually kept very still or holding on to something because when they’re not, I get anxious as they dig at the air, trying so desperately to find the ground. Speaking, and even listening to vocalized speech makes me very tired, and when I’m tired it becomes near impossible for me to utter even a single word. I sure have some horror stories about what its like to not be able to talk. Recently I went days without talking (mostly as stress relief) and by the end of it I wouldn’t be quiet and drove people nuts!